Once again, 4 year olds are amazing.  So yesterday, my adorable son, Eli, asks me, “Do bad guys have to stay bad guys?”  Me, a firm believer in a person’s ability to change their stars, replied, “Nope.  It’s never too late to become a good guy.”  We spent some time discussing the subject and then abruptly Eli informed me that as a rescue hero, he needed to rush off and help the next person in danger and thus our little conversation ended as he bound upstairs to see if there were any bad guys lurking up there.

Now, as I sit at my desk, reflecting on my son’s amazingness and our conversation, I keep thinking back to one part where he asked why a bad guy keeps on being a bad guy, and I said that sometimes it’s a choice they actively make – to do the wrong thing because it’s easier or serves only their needs, but that other times it’s because they don’t learn from their mistakes… they don’t grow.

Don’t just go through life – grow through life.  – Eric Butterworth

It’s often pretty easy to get caught up in the motions of going through life.  After college, the “wonders” of being an adult start to wear off (and for some of us, the wonders never existed).  Soon we are working 40 hours a week (or more), managing our bills and credit cards (often times not all that well), figuring out how to be in a relationship with another adult (and finding out that it’s harder than we thought AND that we aren’t necessarily all that and a bag of chips too as we had been led to believe), starting families, making major purchases like a car or a house, filing taxes (and graduating to something other than the 1040 EZ form), car maintenance, life insurance needs and retirement planning ,  meals, laundry… the list just grows and grows and at first you’re living for the weekend but soon you realize your weekends are full of responsibility too (mowing lawns, repairs, buying groceries, etc).  And before you know it, you’re just going through life on autopilot… or maybe it’s just me.

And don’t get me wrong, being on autopilot occasionally can be really nice.  For me, there are times when I just cannot stop thinking or worrying but switching myself to autopilot and cleaning the house allows my mind time to work through things without me analyzing the process along the way.

But going through life mostly on autopilot is not a good thing.  I think most of my early 20s was spent on autopilot, and I can tell you I made the same mistakes over and over again… Why?  Because I wasn’t growing with each lesson.  I wasn’t even aware that there was a lesson in most of the situations.   It’s easy to see things – the big picture – when you are on the outside looking in, but when you are smack –dab in the middle of the eye of the storm, it’s not always easy to see just how big and bad things are, where to go, or what to do.  I’d make one bad decision, realize at some point it was bad, perhaps get myself out of that situation only to rinse and repeat in one form or another… and I would be baffled as to why these things kept happening or why I couldn’t get ahead just once.  It wasn’t until I pulled myself out of the middle of the storm and started to do more than just go through life did I even begin to see the lesson that I needed to learn.

Don’t be fooled into thinking that the lessons are only in the mistakes we make… because take it from me, they aren’t.   I cannot tell you the countless times something “good” has happened, and not only did I not “get” the lesson, there were many times when I actually took credit as being the reason that the good came about.  When I tried to replicate the situation and therefore achieve the good result, oddly enough, it didn’t work out the same as it had before, and I’d be disappointed, frustrated, and sometimes angry, but I didn’t see that once again perhaps I was missing the lesson the first time.

I wished I had kept a diary from my 20s or that I even kept one now – other than this blog and my Facebook status updates… I am really more of speaker than a writer – because I know that there are mistakes I am still repeating because I haven’t sat down and figured out what the lesson is and then made the appropriate course changes.  And now, I have a 4 year old son and a daughter due in March… and while I know they both will have to make their own mistakes and learn their own lessons, I’d like to think that many of my adventures and misadventures would be of benefit to them one day whether they asked my advice directly or read it in a letter.

Don’t just go through life – grow through life.  When I am 80 years old and some child comes to interview me (because you know all children get that assignment where they have to talk to an older person about what life was like or what wisdom they have to pass on), I want to experience that sweet smile many elderly get when they close their eyes and think back on their life and see the wondrous rings of growth like that found on a glorious redwood tree.

I know… I know… usually we celebrate our spouse on Valentine’s Day… or more likely, we wives expect our husbands to shower us with love and flowers and chocolate (some of us are lucky enough to get flowers that are made of chocolate!!) and a dinner that we don’t have to make ourselves.

And it’s true that Valentine’s, like most other retail holidays, has become very commercialized (although take it from me, we really aren’t looking for the men in our lives to spend hundreds of dollars on us… no matter what Hallmark or Kay’s Jewelers may imply).

Since Valentine’s Day tends to be more for the ladies, here’s a lesser known holiday where spouses can show true appreciation for those every day tasks that each one performs…

January 26th – Spouse’s Day is a time to enjoy and appreciate your better half. You can use this day as a prelude or warm up to Valentine’s Day, perhaps. But, its not as much of a gift giving event. Rather, use it as a time to show your spouse that you care and appreciate all of the things that he/she does for you and for the household. Over the long years of a relationship, its easy to take for granted the many things your spouse does. He/she’s always there. They do so many big and little things as a routine event. So, take today to notice and to say thanks. As for the “enjoyment” part of the day…we will leave that up to you to enjoy your spouse however the two of your desire….

Popular opinion is that if you don’t grow up “knowing” something, then you don’t miss it… and what you did grow up “knowing” is what you tend to gravitate towards even if you didn’t like it because it is familiar to you.  For some of us, what we knew growing up was so unpleasant that we found ourselves pulled to the other end of the spectrum in an attempt to avoid anything that resembled the place we came from.  For others, what we knew growing up was so idyllic in our minds that we’d do anything and everything to replicate it… or at least our perception of what it was.

It’s human nature to want to fit in… to belong… to experience closeness with others.  Not only do we want to belong to a group, but we also want to believe we are special, important, and a valued part of that group.  Being “connected” makes us feel good about ourselves, helps to pull us through tough times, and gives meaning to our lives.  There is strength in numbers, and being connected to a social support system helps us to build immunities against outside forces that can hurt us.

These connections also guide and shape our behavior and our choices in life because they provide a safe, comfortable, and predictable “home” within which to live.  When we are a part of something larger than ourselves – a family, a school, a sports team, a church, a neighborhood community, online support group, Facebook, etc. – we’re better able to satisfy our basic needs of wanting to belong, be valued, and be understood.

In my ideal mind, families provide a sense of belonging and connection that no other group can match.  Families are about caring, loving, accepting, and providing long-term commitment to each other.  That’s not to say that families don’t fight or have disagreements, because they do, even in my ideal mind… but they use those experiences as a way to grow and learn more about each other.  I firmly believe that when a family decides to be deliberate in their purpose – to be strong, joyful, and caring – they become a safe port for us to navigate to when life gets stormy… and trust me, life gets stormy.

I didn’t grow up with a family that was deliberate in their purpose… it was sort of a fend for yourself environment at best.  Even after I was removed from my biological family unit and placed into foster care, I maintained a weariness that I approached each relationship with that inevitably tainted it.  I still needed to belong… wanted to belong…but I never could find a place where I felt being me was good enough… and trust me, I searched in all kinds of places for something or someone who would fill that void… which more often than not, only left me feeling even less connected and more ashamed of the depths to which I was willing to sink in order to find it.

Now, at 36 years old, I know that it’s important to provide a deliberate sense of family for my children AND to make them feel as if they are an important, contributing part of our unit.  If I don’t, they will look for “surrogate” family groups outside of the home.  Maybe they would be luckier than I was, but I don’t want to chance it.  For years – pretty much my entire 20s – I was adrift… floating aimlessly… never fully trusting, but always seeking something more.

No matter how old we get, we never outgrow the need to belong, to feel needed, or to be important in someone else’s life.  We never stop craving hugs, words of praise, or other forms of appreciation (whatever your “love language” might be).  I want my family to be that safe place for me, for my husband, for my children.  I want it because I need it.  I want it because I love them, and I want them to know that love, feel that love, and never doubt that love even though there will be times of conflict ( Lord, give me strength come their teenage years), disappointment (in their choices and mine), and some serious eye rolling.

Why is family important to you?